Why We Hate “It is What it is”
It is not uncommon for me to say, “It is what it is.” It is also not unusual for people to tell me that they despise the phrase.
I think I understand why it rubs people the wrong way, but I am not sure the deeper meaning behind the phrase is fully understood.
Spencer Johnson is the author of my all-time favorite book, The Precious Present. In it, he writes: “Pain is the difference between the way things are and the way we want them to be.” The point of this is that when we deny circumstances because we don’t like them, we create pain. Johnson implies that it is our denial of reality at the core of the problem because we introduce suffering. Suffering is self-induced and optional.
“It is what it is” is a nod to reality or acknowledgement of the current state of affairs as existent. The phrase is not in any way an attestation that the reality is good, fine, or good enough. It just is. I can accept what is happening, or I can take a side tour of rage, pity, fear, etc. When I get done with the side tour, the reality still exists for me to manage.
Jon Kabat-Zinn, another of my favorite writers, is a pioneer in the use of mindful meditation for the treatment of chronic pain and other conditions. In the protocol, people sit and focus on their breath. They are advised that if they feel a pain or other discomfort, they should not move or adjust. They should observe the pain with mindful awareness. By not reacting, they are able to study the sensation and common automatic thoughts (with suffering added) of: I can’t take this; it hurts too bad; this is intolerable. They can also notice how the pain changes over the course of the meditation. The observation provides helpful data to inform our understanding of natural patterns so that we can develop better management strategies.
Here is yet another comparison. Consider the idiom: keep your friends close, and keep your enemies closer. The point is that it is better to have a close relationship with your enemies so you know what they are doing. You have influence. Because they are your enemies, it isn’t that you like having them around or that you approve of them. The relationship is a necessary trade off for insider knowledge.
You cannot possibly make a well-informed plan to change something you don’t like if you don’t accept that what you don’t like exists. It is happening. Acceptance in this situation is more about acknowledgement. It is not approval or a good enough declaration. It is also not about giving up or giving in to a sense of no control.
The phrase “it is what it is” acknowledges what is as a place to start before we move on to the transformation we seek. Use it as an anchor so you can plot a course to where you want to be. Maybe nothing has changed after reading this, and the phrase is still annoying as hell. It is what it is.
If you like self-improvement with a little snark, a healthy dose of laughter, and a lot of saucy science, check out my books!
