Why I Believe in Tough Love
Recently, my son went to my husband asking for help with a minor injury saying, “Mom just isn’t caring when I get hurt.”
Interesting perception. It didn’t surprise me. When my kids have minor injuries, my intentional approach is to ask what happened and give a hug if there are tears. Then, I take a quick look at the affected area and tell them, “You’re good to go.” When they insist there is pain, I say, “Yes, but I can’t make that go away. The more quickly you go on to do something else, the more quickly it will end. The pain will be go away, and you won’t even know when it happened.”
I think that also describes my general approach in encouraging people. (I’m not talking about a primary treatment for disorders where medications are necessary.)
I honor what people have been through — minus the pity — and shift to “what are we going to do about it.”
I try not to feel sorry for people because if I do, I will drown in the quicksand that they are already drowning in themselves. We would never find a way out, which the whole problem. Plus, pity conveys that people and situations are pathetic.
I try to see strength…. survival….courage…..toughness, which is why I choose tough love. Tough love conveys a sense of “you can do this.” It is taking a moment to honor what happened and feel compassion. It is then moving on to describe what happened and how it happened, specifically looking for things that can be learned. Finally, it is doing something about it. Action creates feelings of accomplishment (even if it is just getting out of bed and getting dressed). It is the doing that takes us to new places. It is the doing that eases the pain.
Over-analyzing what happened and focusing on the pain is the quicksand. The more we choose to ruminate, the farther down we sink. Action isn’t about knowing the “right” thing to do, but is it about doing something to try to help ourselves.
I believe in tough love because I have hope for change, hope that pain passes, hope in the human spirit.
Everyone has the ability to do this for him/herself — to give tough self-love. It is not being mean or judgmental to yourself. It is being the friend to yourself who won’t let you sit alone and rot. It is being the friend who won’t let you hurt yourself. Tough self-love is not falling into the trap of self-pity and feeling like a victim. Tough love is forcing yourself into healthy action (e.g., getting out of the house, being with friends, exercising, getting off of toxic social media, eating healthy foods).
The thing about resilient people (those who always seem to bounce back quickly) is that they just keep getting up even if they fall right back down. They don’t stop. It isn’t that they know more or are somehow immune to pain. It is that they never stop acting. They realize that they can have pain doing nothing or they can have pain while moving on. It is a choice. Success is the result of effort without allowing fear to get in the way.
Don’t get me wrong. I believe in talking things through, but in the end, it is what you do about it that really counts. Have you own ass. Be your own best friend. Give yourself tough love. Dust yourself off and tell yourself, “MOMF.”
- Mount a fight against negative self-talk
- Regardless of how you feel, force yourself to get up, get dressed, be around other people.
- Exercise. It DOES improve your mood.
- Do something you enjoy.
- Set a daily goal or two. Check these off your list. It will feel so good.
- Make a plan with daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly goals. It will be a roadmap so you know where you are going and measure your progress getting there.
- Breathe. Take a look around because you won’t be in the same place as long as you keep moving.
- Hold yourself accountable, and MOMF.
