I was on another of my rants at home. My son asked me for information that I’d previously mentioned several times. He earnestly stated, “I don’t know, mom. I try to listen to things, but my mind just wanders off on its own. I can’t control it.” I responded, “Are you telling me that your brain goes rogue?” He replied, “Yes! That’s exactly what happens.” Hmmmm…..

In my work, I hear about this phenomenon all of the time, but it is the heart that goes rogue. The mind knows, “I shouldn’t go there.” “This person isn’t good for me.” “I need to walk away,” but the heart goes there anyway.

The mind knows, “I am a good person.” “I can do it.” “Don’t listen to BS,” but the heart goes to the place where facts don’t matter — only the terrifying feelings.

This is a tough problem. I get it. I told my son, “You have to care enough to show up for that fight.” Now I’m saying that to you.

You cannot help what your heart feels, but your mind can overpower it with enough energy and effort. It starts with showing up for the fight.

Stop to consider what I am saying because you may have never really tried this approach. Your feelings might have gotten the best of you.

When we blindly believe bad or scary things about ourselves because other people told us so or we told ourselves so, we may not have stopped to consider our own personal power. The point at which you become aware (which is now, by the way) that believing what the heart says is a choice, you have power. You have the power of knowledge and the ability to fight with logic.

Once your eyes are opened, it becomes a choice whether or not to believe things like “I can’t be alone; no one will ever love me; I’m not good enough; I’m a failure; no one likes me; I’m fatally flawed; I’m not strong enough.” It becomes a choice to allow others to convince you that you are the one at fault; that you are the problem; that you are crazy; that your gut is wrong.

It becomes a choice to believe our own inner bully, which is the most ruthless of all.

Now, I didn’t say it would be easy. You show up with your mind and remind yourself of the evidence over and over. You stick with the evidence — not what others who want to manipulate you tell you — is the evidence.

What you want to happen…. What you wish would happen…. What you hope to happen….. What used to be…. These are all things are separate from what is. They are not evidence. You have to judge reality based on what is now and show up to protect yourself from yourself.

The heart sees the past. The heart sees what it wants. The heart does not see reality, and the heart doesn’t have a mission of self-preservation. The mind’s job is to shepherd the heart to a safe place. The heart is too susceptible to influence and persuasion. The mind is the adult protector.

It can be much, much easier to just go with what feels right in the moment. There is an automatic relief when an issue seems resolved. I understand that, but the pain is deepened in the end.

And stop telling yourself that it is okay to lower your standards. Seriously? How is lowering your standards going to help you? That will only make you feel worse. How many chances should it take someone who loves you to treat you with respect and love? Start treating yourself with respect and love, and everything will change.

Just like my son, when I don’t feel like listening, I can drift off, but then I am lost. When the heart goes rogue — and it will go rogue — the mind’s job is to gently or not so gently bring it back to reality so that eventually you find yourself on a new path of change.

You have already completed the first step, which is to become aware of what is going on. You may ask yourself how I know that this is going on, which is a valid question. I know it because all humans experience this. I experience this. I see it in others and help fight it every day. The hardest part is getting people to trust their own instincts and minds because they have been so brainwashed to believe the BS that made it easier for others to control them.

The next step is mustering the energy to show up with your mind to fight with your heart. This involves recognizing that you have a choice between allowing others to control you or standing up for yourself. You have had the power all along, but you’ve been prevented from seeing it. It is there.

The third step is focusing on factual data not what others tell you are facts. If you get confused, ask a very good friend, therapist, or person whose goal is not to control you.

The fourth step is to choose yourself and what is best for you. It is listening to your mind. Then, be ready for blow back like you’ve never seen. Your heart will throw everything at you. It will ravage you with sadness and fear. It will tell you terrible lies all in an attempt to get you to go back to what was. Do not listen. The storm will pass. Keep busy. Talk to good friends. Journal. Hunker down. THE STORM WILL PASS, and things will look so different when it does.

The fifth step is learning to do it again….and again.


If you want to know more about how to engage the mind in the battle with your heart, check out my new book, Move on Motherf*cker: Live, Laugh, and Let Sh*t Go — available now. Check out this trailer for more info (and a smile):

New Harbinger



Barnes and Noble:

Author of Move on Motherf*cker: Live, Laugh, and Let Sh*t Go. Using CBT, mindfulness, humor, and profanity to feel better.