“What If” Thinking is a Cancer #Cancer #Anxiety
I recently woke up in the middle of the night with a sick feeling of dread. The first thing that came to mind was, “What if my cancer has returned?” Earlier that day, I had been scheduling my annual surveillance chest x-ray, MRI, and lab work.
I then said to myself, “Fucking cancer. You beast. Hello anxiety. I know you are there. Asshole.” I could feel a painful tingling rush over my body…. the pain of knowing that my fears were realistic. Plausible.
Unlike the past, this time I accepted the pain. I didn’t avoid or ignore. I let myself feel it as real. I told myself that pain is an unavoidable part of being alive. If I try to run from it, I will be sprinting, exhausted, missing my life. If I let it become my focus, I will be drowned by it, overcome by despair.
Just sitting with pain without judging it remarkably allows me to not be so afraid of it. I know this is odd. I am not saying I like it or seek it out. I just accept it, and it passes much more easily than when I fight and rail against it.
I see it. I name it. I accept it. I sit with it for a few moments, and before I know it, it leaves me. Weird.
That night I reminded myself that just because I had cancer before didn’t mean I had it now. I cannot live in a “what if” world because it becomes a cancer of the mind.
“What if” thinking is the hallmark of anxiety, and it can be a cancer that eats away at peace and well-being if we let it.
Cancer is cell growth out of control that takes over and kills parts of the body. We can’t control if we get cancer. However, anxiety and negative thinking is a psychological cancer that can take over our brains and subsequently our bodies. I am arguing that we do have control over this kind of cancer.
“What if” thinking involves personal choice. At any given moment, there are countless things to focus on. We choose what to give our attention even if we don’t know that we are making a choice. “What if” thinking and fearful thoughts will come, but they will also go if we choose to deny them our attention. Other thoughts will take their place if we let them go.
Sometimes people argue with me that they “can’t” stop thinking scary thoughts. I understand what they are saying, but unless they have a neurological disorder (like Alzheimers) or a disorder like schizophrenia, they can stop. They just haven’t learned how. And, it is hard. It takes a lot of practice, but the brain is wired so we have the ability to choose what we give our attention. The trick is recognizing that what we are focusing on is not healthy and finding ways to re-focus, distract, let go.
Letting “what if” thinking become a cancer of the mind is such a waste. Life is too short. My mantra has become, “Just because I think it doesn’t mean it is true.” I have a ton of examples in my life to prove that my thoughts aren’t gospel. What I do know is that the mind is endlessly amazing. Study it, and you may surprise yourself at the untapped energy and potential we all have.
Life is a journey. As long as I am alive, I am going to keep kicking ass because there is no other acceptable path. It is my choice. Fuck cancer — all types of it — especially the type that I am creating in my own life. Peace out.
