The Paradox of Self-Interest
The popularity and problem with social media self-help is the simplicity. Just do this! Voila! Your problems will be fixed!
Life, unfortunately, isn’t so simple — despite our wish for it to be so. And, many times the simple messages seem to contradict themselves leading to more confusion.
Boundaries and self-care is a great example.
We hear messages to be kind, to assume good intent, to help our neighbors. Don’t be selfish. We also hear: take care of yourself; set boundaries; limit interactions with anyone who brings you down; put yourself first.
Which is it? Should I take care of myself, or should I be kind and considerate to accommodate others’ preferences
No easy answers here. It is both/and.
In order to be a healthy, functioning person in society, you have to acknowledge your own needs. You have to take care of yourself, and this necessarily involves setting boundaries around abusive people and toxic circumstances without guilt. It is okay to be self-involved to the extent that you are listening and responding to your mind and body.
However…..You can’t stay at that party, or you will become an asshole.
We will not survive as a human race if we don’t take care of each other. We have known for at least 100 years that our well-being and self-worth depends on doing good in the world. There is a high associated with good deeds and making a difference, and it sustains our spirit.
However….. You can’t stay at that party, or you will become a doormat.
Self-interest is being dedicated to your own needs while also maintaining sensitivity to those with needs around you. It is acknowledgement that you may give your needs priority at times but not every time over someone else’s needs.
We can allow ourselves the space to be self-interested AND still care about other people (although we one side may hold more weight at any given moment). In fact, may I suggest that caring for other people is in our ultimate self-interest? Perhaps the nuance is giving your energy to people who welcome and appreciate it for the greatest effect. At the same time, random acts of kindness add an element of playful magic.
There is no recipe book. There is no “just do this.” There is only the fullness of life and humanity — the growth journey. There is only care and concern for self and others and the humility to self-reflect along the way.
If this resonates, I wrote a book with some funny language.
