Relationships: Have Your Own Ass #MOMF
It is interesting when folks acknowledge that they deserve to be loved and treated with respect but then allow themselves to be trashed and walked on by the people they love. There is a disconnect between what we know and how we feel. I call it the head/heart split. Your head tells you the truth, the facts, what is rational. Your heart tells you fairy tales, fantasies, and your worst fears. Your head is focused on data, and your heart is your emotional epicenter. When we lower our standards and allow ourselves to be treated badly by others, we are acting on feelings and discounting data because we don’t like what the data tells us (but data doesn’t lie). <Note: Many airline crashes are related to pilots not believing the computer data — called human error. Be careful of believing that you somehow know more than facts allow.>
There is rarely a time this is more evident than during a break-up that you didn’t want. Take Tom and Sue <or Kenisha and Liz or Paul and Robert>. They have been together for 20 years. Sue decides to leave Tom, and she seemingly becomes a completely different person according to Tom. She behaves in cold and mean-spirited and selfish ways. Tom is caught off guard and insists that this is not the “real” Sue. The more Tom begs and grovels, the nastier Sue becomes.
Tom deserves better…. He deserves someone who wants to be with him, and he can agree with this statement. However, he still seems to want the “old” Sue because he believes the “new” Sue is not real. I propose to you that it is because Tom is attached to the idea of Sue and the idea of their relationship rather than what is actually going on. <Upon reflection, Tom can admit that Sue has been behaving badly for a really long time.> Tom reverts back to old memories of good times and is willing to emotionally deny the facts related to Sue’s mistreatment of him in the present. Tom searches endlessly for a valid explanation of Sue’s behavior, but the search for “why” is a wild goose chase. Tom hopes to “fix” or “help” Sue when, in fact, it is a denial of the reality that Sue is being cruel because she wants to be cruel. Sue is an adult, and her behavior is a choice.
All of the denial is a waste of time. The bottom line is that Sue is treating Tom like shit, and that isn’t okay. Tom can chase the why six ways from tomorrow, but would it ever justify Sue’s behavior? Should Tom just put up with the verbal abuse and maltreatment because she has “issues” to fix?
In situations like this, we need to be kind to ourselves by setting boundaries. There is no kindness in telling ourselves lies. If you tolerate this treatment, it is like saying that it is okay to be treated like shit.
No matter how your parents treated you…..
No matter how much money you make…..
No matter how educated you are……
No matter what your station in life……
No matter what sins you have committed…..
You deserve to be treated with love and respect.
And guess what….. it starts with how you treat yourself. If you believe that you deserve love and respect, you surround yourself with others who treat you accordingly. You set the expectations for your life. You get to choose. Accept nothing less. Have your own ass because no one else will have it for you. When you allow a place in your life for mistreatment by others, you don’t even have your own ass.
Sometimes people ask me what is love and respect. This is very hard to answer as it depends on personal preference. Some people question whether they are too demanding. I can confidently say that you should not lower your standards. What is right for you? Only you can know, and you do know.
Here is a script: “The past is the past. I am in the here and now, and I decide what is right for me. No one else. I deserve to be treated the way I want. If I settle for less, I only cheat myself. I can’t expect that people will or should change for me, and I won’t change for anyone else. I deserve love, kindness, understanding, and respect. Nothing less, motherfucker. Nothing less.”
If you like this, check out Swear Your Way To Sanity @ jodieckleberryhunt.com or Amazon.
