Self-Esteem, Self-Defeat, and Self-Compassion
As a psychologist who values research-based evidence, I emphatically detest reading overly-simplistic self-help promising to boost self-esteem. Just do this….. as if it is that easy, that straightforward, that effective.
Lean in… Despite the allure, sex appeal, and over-confident sell, change doesn’t work that way. Little in life involves just anything. Hang around though. I have some promising ideas below.
The challenges of low self-esteem are persistent, and while I wish there were an instant antidote, there is not. In fact, I find the pursuit of a quick fix likely lead to lower self-esteem because you follow all of the directions and still feel like shit.
If you repeat, “I am strong; I am powerful” over and over and aren’t somehow transformed, don’t you feel even worse? Maybe then you chase the next cure even harder, and it also doesn’t work for long. You attribute your lack of progress to yet another internal flaw when, in fact, the technique was not going to work from the beginning. This, in and of itself, can become self-defeating.
The good news is that it isn’t you, and there are other things that will help. The bad news is that what does work is a lifetime of effort. (I understand that no one wants to hear that.) Anything worthwhile in life takes work, and that work will not end. Yet, there is no greater investment in life than in your well-being. Let me say that again. There is no greater investment in life than in your well-being.
With so many competing priorities, it can be hard to make space for your well-being. Maybe it is because you aren’t literally seeing yourself as you may see others in need around you. Then again, maybe you aren’t seeing yourself with compassion.
Try this exercise. (And, I will clue you in that it will be incredibly hard and probably emotionally painful. Do not try if you feel emotionally unstable.) Get a timer, and set it for 3 minutes. Get a mirror where you can look closely into your eyes. Look into your eyes for 3 minutes, and don’t look away until the timer goes off. While you do this, notice every thought. Pay attention to your feelings. When your mind strays to your to-do list, judgment, and other escapism, bring it right back to focusing on your eyes, your face.
What is the person in the mirror struggling with? Why does this person feel low self-esteem? What factors in life perpetuate lower self-esteem?
What has this person survived? HOW has this person survived? What is strong about this person?
What does this person need — now and in the future?
Can you find some compassion for the person in the mirror? How can you begin to show the person in the mirror compassion in small and larger ways to change the cycle of defeat?
This is a mirror meditation, and I’m guessing even the thought of it makes you shudder a little. The self inside of you — the one who needs validation and encouragement — yearns to be seen. The self doesn’t want fluff, but instead, true compassion and love. No one else can provide for you what you aren’t first providing for yourself.
And, this is only the beginning of the process. Once you really see your self, acknowledge your self and your needs, and feel self-compassion, can you then start the real work of meeting your deeper level needs. (Hint: the antidote is behavior change.)
The long-term plan for improving self-esteem is changing behavioral patterns. It is establishing and enforcing boundaries around toxic people and interactions; it is learning to identify and silence the inner critic over and over again; and it is beginning to invest time and energy into evidence-based self-care (e.g., exercising, reading, meditating, expressive writing, learning, counseling, spending time pursuing hobbies and fun).
I know that it sounds overwhelming. Maybe start with the mirror meditation to see what bubbles up. The best news is that there is no timeline so you can do one small thing at a time. Small, sustained investments add up to big gains in the long-term, which is the exact opposite of the doomed self-esteem strategy of making a one-time effort expecting a big payoff. And, if you need assistance, that is what therapists are for. (Psychologytoday.com or 988 for more serious thoughts of suicide/crisis/self-harm that may arise.)
The challenges of self-esteem are pervasive in our society for many complex reasons — including the messages and people who surround you. You are not alone if you struggle, but understand that the solutions are equally complex. I propose the search for answers needs to start with really seeing your self and feeling a level of compassion as you would for another person.
Remember, there is no greater investment in life than in your well-being.
I write books, but there are no easy answers there either. Check them out where you buy books!
