Self-Defeating Beliefs about the Shitshow of Life: Volume II

My core self-defeating beliefs about the shitshow of life seem to resonate with people so I created a volume II.

The thing about self-defeating beliefs is that when we read them, we automatically see that they are flawed. Spotting the invalidity is the easy part. The bigger challenge is that the heart is a rogue player in the equation. The heart says, “yes but….”

You will find that despite knowing better, your behavior reflects that you (and we all) engage in some application of self-defeating beliefs. Perhaps self-defeating beliefs are better referred to as implicit biases. We may not even be aware that they are operating the control switches to our automatic emotional reactions and subsequent behaviors.

A quick recap of volume I (Self-defeating Beliefs about the Shitshow of Life: https://medium.com/@jeckleberryhunt/self-defeating-beliefs-about-the-shitshow-of-life-e2be626ac11d) covered these mistaken biases:

• I am the only one living in a shitshow.
• My shitshow is worse than everyone else’s.
• I can control my shitshow.
• I am a fraud because others don’t think I have shitshow.
• I am a victim of my shitshow.
• There are places where the shitshow doesn’t exist.

Here are some new, common mistaken biases or implicit self-defeating filters to examine in your life:

• If only I do _____, they will see my worth.

In case no one has told you, your worth is inherent — not be be earned. It comes with birth. Feeling you have to prove worth allows others to control you. While you may always feel the drive to earn it, you can remind yourself that the drive is misguided. You have the ability to validate your own worth regardless of what others have communicated to you in your life.

• _____ needs me. If I don’t help, bad things will happen.

Bad things will happen regardless of whether or not you jump in to try and save the day. The pressure you put on yourself creates a false narrative that you have power and control. You also don’t allow others to be their own super heroes. There is also an allure of feeling powerful in the lives of others. Whose needs are really being met here?

• My worth depends on what I can do for (or how I help) others.

I will say again that your worth is inherent — regardless of how others have trained you to perform.

• Mistakes are referendums on my worth.

Every single human makes mistakes. It is hard-wired. Mistakes are meant to be our teachers. Because you now know that worth is inherent, you know that they are unrelated to mistakes. Stop telling yourself this lie.

• When other people ignore my advice, it means they don’t respect me.

People have free will and are on their own journeys of self-discovery. Stop making it about you.

• I don’t have time for me.

The reality is that you don’t make time for you. You don’t make yourself a priority. There will never be a convenient time for self-care, and no one will proclaim a day and time for you. You make this happen, or you don’t. There will always being something more important in your mind until you acknowledge your worth, validity, and need as being significant.

• I should (or do) have control.

I often dream of control, but it is an illusion. At any given moment, any number of things can disrupt plans (illness, weather, chance). The more you chase control, the more out of control you become. Should is a judgment — and a deeply flawed one at that. You can never measure up to the never-ended should demands.

• The solution is external to me.

The only thing you have control over is yourself. The solution is how you choose to handle a situation, and this answer lies within you. Waiting for someone else to fix it, resolve it, or change it, places you in the position of being dependent.

• I have to.

Maybe. Maybe not. Rather, it is likely that you want to or prefer to. You have to pay taxes. You have to provide care for your children. You have to pay your bills or forfeit goods and services. Many more things are self-imposed. I encourage you to challenge I have to and give yourself the freedom to choose. It is so much more liberating to know you have a voice in the matter than to feel a hostage to circumstances.

• One day I will be there.

This bias is essentially true, and it is called death. If you are reading this, you still have time to arrive. Life is a journey, and if you are doing it right, you are continuing to grow and learn. Once you get there, I hope you recognize that the finish line has been altered. This mindset is tremendously freeing because you realize there is no timeline. Failures are only lessons with new information.

The whole point of this blog is to raise awareness about our biases in life. We all have them, and when we fail to recognize how they affect our behavior, they can be self-defeating. Self-knowledge is power.

I write a lot about the shitshow. My latest book is Badass Stories: Grit, Growth, Hope, and Healing in the Shitshow. The reviews are pretty good. Badass Stories is available where you buy books or https://www.amazon.com/Badass-Stories-Growth-Healing-Shitshow/dp/1684429129/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2W6XEJEYLSGTM&keywords=jodie+eckleberry&qid=1684282772&sprefix=Jodie+eck%2Caps%2C117&sr=8-1