Putting Limits on Advice

Next time you find yourself poised to give unsolicited advice, know this: people don’t want to hear that shit. It is judgmental and insulting. When you jump to giving unsolicited advice, you are essentially telling other people that you don’t think they can solve the problem on their own. They need you to point out the correct thing to do.

Think about how it feels when you are bitching about whatever you have going on in your life, and someone cuts in to tell you how to fix it all. The slap across your face is metaphorical. Thanks for that. I don’t recall asking, but I guess you felt the need.

Not only should you limit giving advice to people who’ve asked, you should put limits on your interactions with people who give it to you when you didn’t ask.

If you are a giver of unsolicited advice, take a big step back and ask yourself how condescending you really want to be. If you are a receiver of unsolicited advice, ask yourself how inviting you really want to be. What vibe do you intentionally want to put out there?

Have you ever heard of the platinum rule? The platinum rule states: Treat others as they wish to be treated. (Note: not as you wish to be treated) Sometimes your good intentions aren’t received as such because the person didn’t want what you were serving.

Here is the harder part to hear. Sometimes our good intentions are more about making ourselves feel good than they are about helping the other person feel better. Read that again. Boundaries on good intentions are about getting beyond your personal need to help and thinking it through before acting on it. Sometimes it is most helpful to be quiet and just listen.

If you see people as independent, resilient, and respectable, there is no need to insert yourself into their lives unsolicited with advice. We live in a very diverse world, and this ensures our survival as a species. You are not expected to always understand others. You are not expected to love everything or approve of their choices. Yet, you can allow those differences to exist without feeling the need to insert yourself, your opinions, your values onto someone else. You do you, and allow others the liberty of self-determination without feeling like you have to make it about you.

If someone you know is an advice-giver, find your voice. You can say, “I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed with all of this information, and I don’t want to talk about it;” or “I appreciate the sentiment, but I’ve got this covered;” or “Let’s talk about something else.” There are myriad of ways to shut it down, but allowing someone to go on and on in an unwelcome way is almost as if giving permission to keep going.

Quick rule to live by: Don’t insert yourself until you are invited. In so many aspects, this is a violation.

Day 11: You do not have to give or receive unsolicited advice to show you care. Live by the platinum rule.