Permission: You Do You

Despite what you may have heard, boundaries are not just about saying, “No.” Boundaries are also about giving permission. You can give yourself clearance to stop intervening in the lives of others under the false premise of helping. Boundaries are as much about agreeing to stay out of other people’s business as much as they are about asking others to leave you alone. They are acceptance of individual freedom without feeling the need to get involved or fix.

This is not self-centered. It is telling yourself that it is okay or perhaps more beneficial to not interfere with another person’s growth, freedom, or learning. It is avoiding the imposition of personal values on someone else even if you disagree, worry, or just want to be helpful.

Perhaps you never considered that two very different ideas, experiences, personalities, styles can co-exist without one changing or bending to accommodate the other. Boundaries are about allowing differences to exist — even if we find them embarrassing among people we love — without having the drive to alter the differences because they aren’t ours to change.

My kids can dress and wear their hair in some ways that I find to be extra creative and attention-getting, but I don’t have to impose my style choices on them. I am sure they feel the same about me. They are not extensions of me nor I of them, and we can co-exist without changing each other or taking responsibility for each other’s preferences.

This is an important concept because we are giving ourselves freedom — freedom from the obligation, the guilt, the burden and pain that come with feeling like we should fix, enlighten, help, or change people we love.

Boundaries are permission to focus on our own shit. It doesn’t mean we don’t or won’t care about others. It just means we respect other’s self-determination in their own lives, and now we are free to work on ourselves. You do you, and others do themselves. We can’t know what is best for them anyway even if we think we do.

This is not the same as not caring. I hope you never stop caring for people around you. Just don’t feel like you have to inflict your caring in ways that are judgmental. If you’re unsure, you can always ask if a person wants or needs anything.

The focal point here is that the way we frame boundaries has a significant influence on how we set and react to them. Are we telling ourselves that we are being indifferent or selfish, or are we telling ourselves that we are being mature, accepting, and tolerant? Which person do you want to be?

Day 4: You do you, but don’t push your preferences onto others.