Nostalgia Asks: Would You Prefer to Stay Small?
[True story about a child that may teach you something about becoming.]
Although we’ve donated a great number of outgrown toys to childcare centers, I’ve held onto some of my sons’ most treasured things (either out of nostalgia or reluctance to part with the financial investment). I keep them in a spare room closet.
One day, I found my 12 year old son sitting on the floor of the spare room with the closet door open. He was surrounded by the old play sets and action figures, including Batman’s cave, Joker’s funhouse, Penguin’s lair and more. My son was examining and marveling at the playthings he hadn’t seen in years.
When I asked him what he was doing, he deeply sighed and said, “I’m remembering these toys and how much I loved them. I feel so sad because I don’t have that same feeling about them anymore, but I have such great memories of when I did and how special they were. It’s hard to grow up.”
Gut punch….. What a truth from someone so young.
I shared this story recently when talking with someone who was feeling nostalgia for a relationship that had gone bad. Her head knew she had outgrown it, but her heart remembered the good times with intense fondness. She questioned if the good feeling could be recaptured by going back.
I said the same thing I said to my son years prior. If given a choice, would you prefer to stay small? Her reply was the same as his, “no.” They both recognized that staying small comes with a price tag — the cost of lost independence, lost growth, lost adventure. It is sad, but the trade off just isn’t worth it.
Don’t we all sometimes wonder this — about relationships or situations we miss? My best approximation is when I physically visit places that have special memories for me. Generally, I am a bit letdown because something is missing when I go back. It isn’t the same. I’ve changed. A return to an earlier time in life might bring the benefit of re-experiencing pleasure but likely also comes with discomfort of past insecurities or issues that have since been resolved. As humans, we tend to only focus on one aspect — the one we prefer to see — ignoring the inconvenient negatives.
Growth always comes with pain, but there is a different kind of pain with trying to avoid growth or in staying small. The key is owning the path you choose and acknowledging that you will lose something either way. When we grow well, we have to leave behind both wonderful and sometimes, terrible memories. We we stay small, we leave behind potential.
None of this makes growth easy, but I find that allowing a space for grief — acknowledging a very real sadness can and does exist — gives solid perspective for choosing the path that we want to be on. The space in our mind where the past is recalled fondly does not have to go away. We can revisit it at any time, but the trick is reminding ourselves that it no longer exists in the present. We’ve changed. Life has changed. Nothing is the same. While bittersweet, it just is.
Next time you are re-thinking the past in an unhealthy way, allow the grief and then ask: Would you prefer to stay small?
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