No to Self-Sabotage
The brain is hard-wired to self-criticize as a performance enhancing quality control, but it only goes so far before it inflicts as much damage as benefit. The idea is that if we are constantly critiquing our performance, it offers the opportunity to continually improve. That’s a great thing, right? Until it’s not.
When people, because of genetics or early life experiences, tend toward perfection or outright self-abuse, critiquing themselves they can be cruel. If they tend toward over-responsibility, they may also be beating themselves up for things that happen, which aren’t even under their control. As with most things in life, the how we go about self-critique is super important. Self-sabotage refers to the self-abusing — when the critiquing goes too far because it is destructive to the self-image or self-esteem.
When something doesn’t go according to plan in your life or doesn’t work out or you make a mistake, do you automatically start telling yourself: you are such a failure; look how dumb you are; you suck; why do you even try; this is terrible; things will never work out? This is self-sabotaging self-talk. It is rude, nasty, hateful, and hopefully, it isn’t how you would talk to a friend, family member, or co-worker. It also isn’t how you should talk to yourself because it makes it more likely that you will fumble going forward because you are no longer just focused on what you need to do, you are carrying the weight of the condemnation. Plus, you’ve told yourself that you don’t have the necessary requirements to succeed anyway, so why try?
My self-sabotage statements tend to revolve around telling myself that someone is mad at me. I don’t have to have any reason for thinking this. Perhaps it is someone who hasn’t responded within a day to an email or text. It could be someone I haven’t heard from in a while. It could be the mood I woke up in and the first person who popped into my mind. My anxiety hates tolerating the idea that someone could be mad at me and not knowing who or why so I seem to randomly choose someone. I then create a reason as to why I must have offended the person. I ruminate on this until I have chewed off the skin around all of my nails, and then I make a plan to reach out and apologize for some imagined wrongdoing.
This is self-sabotaging because it is a needless waste of time, and it makes me look more than a little unbalanced. I can, in fact, lose the better part of a day worrying about nothing topped off by emotional eating that makes my body feel all nasty. This is incredibly wasteful and torturesome. I could have used the time on much more productive activities, as well as avoiding the headache I inevitably have as a result.
If I were talking to a friend or trusted family member who was telling me all of this, I would say to that person, “What is the evidence? If there is no evidence, this is your anxiety talking. You need to work to let it go in a healthy way.” Yet, somehow, I let the feeling take over, and the feeling is out of control.
When you note the barrage of negative self-evaluative comments, you need to intentionally step in to subvert the sabotage. You can argue back. You can ask yourself how any of the commentary is helpful. You can ask yourself if this is how you would talk to someone you love. You can distract yourself. Even more, why don’t you go look into the mirror, into your own human eyes and find some self-compassion. You are, in fact, a human being. Take a deep breath. Go for a walk. Do something kind for yourself even if you made a mistake. Again, imagine what you might say to someone you love.
Set boundaries with your self-sabotaging self-talk. This will take practice in catching it as it is happening. It will take a lot of experimentation and practice to figure out what works best for you. Is it visualization, deep breathing, counterstatements, distraction, exercise, journaling, or talking to a friend? The commitment is recognition that beating yourself up is not productive and will not lead to the outcomes you desire.
The ultimate antidote for self-sabotage is self-compassion and mentorship — the kind of loving guidance you would give someone you love. Come alongside yourself. Pick yourself up. Give yourself a hug. Move on.
Day 3: Say no to your self-sabotaging self-talk.
