Nail Feedback with: “How Did You Receive That?”
There are lots of great feedback tools out there like the feedback sandwich and the teach back method. Lately, I am using a new technique in my practice that is landing beautifully. I’m here to share.
After I give information or feedback, I ask: How did you receive that?
I do this because all humans have filters based on how they view themselves, the world, and other people. Call it world view or biased perception.
Sometimes communicators believe they are giving clear, useful, empathetic feedback, which is paradoxically received by others as attacking or judgmental. Recipients do not hear the message as intended because of their own distortions. Sadly, there may be times when communicators don’t even know that recipients of the feedback receive it is a negative light. Recipients may be nodding and appear accepting while completely lost, overwhelmed, or hurt.
I don’t mean to imply that all feedback must be well-received. In some cases, feedback will be painful, and this is even more reason to ask “How did you receive that?”. It can be incredibly healing to acknowledge that feedback can be difficult to hear. No matter what the workplace, success is indeed, all about caring for people.
The question, “How did you receive that?” is aimed to elicit an individual’s reaction to the feedback, which is crucial to efficacy. It is a check in that conveys human care and opens discussion around unintended messages. For feedback to have benefit, recipients have to understand and digest it in an accurate, supportive way.
A core problematic issue around feedback is that senders believe they are communicating one message, but receivers may receive something entirely different. “How do you receive that?” is a way to measure that both sides got the right message.
Switching gears, receivers of messages can also use this method to sensitively address conflict.
A professional recently shared a terse email from a work mentor who expressed a strongly judgmental/critical remark about the professional. Such a remark was uncharacteristic of the mentor, who had been quite supportive in the past. The professional wanted to believe that the email was a result of the mentor’s stress or a time crunch, but she was having a hard time letting it go. She felt a rift in the relationship, and she wasn’t sure if/how to bring it up without causing more damage.
I suggested that the professional speak to her mentor in person and say: I wanted to speak to you because I highly respect you. I’ve been thinking about the feedback in your email. We have such a strong relationship that you deserve to know that I received it as …… (or the message I received was…..). This hasn’t been something we’ve touch on in the past so I want to make sure that is the message you meant to convey. I want to get it right and hear more about what you mean so I can better understand.
Addressing conflict in this way is the ultimate sign of respect. Another person has enough regard for you that she is asking for clarification of a difficult remark. It gives the sender a chance to provide context, addend, or alter comments and repair damage if desired. It also gives the receiver a chance to be assertive without feeling like she is being difficult. Having information clearly on the table will allow both people to move forward in an informed way.
Emotionally intelligent communication is hard, and no one nails it all of the time. “How did you receive that?” and “I received your feedback in this way….” are highly effective tools that get at the heart of our humanity — the biases, misunderstandings, emotions, and stressors — that undermine the good we are trying to accomplish. They are my new go to tools. I hope they are value added to your difficult communication toolbox.
I write books. My latest is Badass Stories: Grit, Growth, Hope, and Healing in the Sh*tshow. It is available where you buy books or https://www.amazon.com/Badass-Stories-Growth-Healing-Shitshow/dp/1684429129/ref=sr_1_1?crid=33IPRNUMR0ZN8&keywords=jodie+eckleberry+hunt&qid=1679174993&sprefix=Jodie+Eck%2Caps%2C125&sr=8-1.
