My #2020 Goal is to be Here…. Not There
Last year was my first for setting a new year resolution. (Generally, I make daily or weekly resolutions.) All in all, I think it was helpful. I wasn’t always successful, but I drew a line in the sand, which guided me.
I’ve decided to do it again and share it for accountability.
My goal for 2020 is to remain present in my own life — today — as it is happening. This is easy to do when today is fun, but today is so often not fun. Today is work. Today is painful. Today is boring. Today is overcast.
It can be more fun to be in tomorrow where I create fantasies of sunshine, perfection, fun, and excitement. Then, I miss out on today. I miss important lessons that I will have to repeat. I miss growth opportunities. I miss moments I can never get back.
The problem is that my anxiety doesn’t like for me to sit still. My anxiety wants to run away from all of the troubling news headlines. My anxiety pushes me to make plans and get ahead of the game. As long as I run, I can’t fix the problems that exist today, and I miss the beauty also present in the moment, which I don’t sit still long enough to see.
Anxiety fucks with me. It skews the way I see and experience the world. It makes me constantly chase the next high — which is in tomorrow. I gotta fight it harder, smarter.
The restlessness….. telling me I need to be doing something else….. telling me to move about constantly to the next thing. I’ve allowed it to overpower me too often. No more.
I will work harder to be here — now. This now is all I have. It won’t always be the now I want, but what I want isn’t always what I need. Pain is a sign of growth. It is natural. Boredom is natural. I do not want a fake life. I want real life — in the full palette of color.
I will change my outlook… reminding myself that getting “there” is all of the fun. And, anyway, when I get “there,” I will want to leave to find the next “there.” So, I am going to be “here” as much as possible because I don’t want to look back and wonder what I missed or how it happened. I don’t want to wake up and wish I could go back because I missed it the first time.
The anxiety won’t go away. The restless energy will remain. But I am stronger. I am wiser. I have today, and I will no longer give it up for the wish and promise or “what if” terrors of tomorrow.
To that end, I need something to shock my system….. wait for it…. Here is my 2020 mantra: Where the fuck do you think you’re going?
