Managing Emotional Tornados: WTF Just Happened? #EmotionalRegulation
Have you ever felt like someone rips through your life like a tornado? You feel like you are looking around like — WTF just happened here? Or perhaps you feel like you are always the one over-reacting to situations that others see very differently? In this blog, I am going to provide my explanation for extreme emotional reactions related to childhood trauma. It is important to note that not everyone who experienced childhood trauma has extreme emotional reactions, and not everyone who has extreme emotional reactions experienced childhood trauma. I am only addressing a problem that some people may have.
I’ve mentioned before that we all have a story that affects how we process/see/handle/react to information. However, there are times when folks’ reactions are extreme and consistently out of sync with others around them. These experiences may be compared to feeling like you are on a roller coaster with all kinds of highs and lows, both for the person who has the emotional reactions and for those around them.
Here is how I like to explain some of these situations. (It accounts for some of the situations but not all.) When we are children, our sense of self (your personality — everything that makes you… well you) is forming. I see it as a glass-like orb. Parents and caregivers need to take care of the orb and protect it from damage. When caregivers drop the orb too often and too hard, handle it roughly, or just don’t nurture it, the orb can develop tiny cracks all over. Now remember that I am talking about a formed sense of self or personality that is full of cracks. Imagine that when light comes through the cracks, the light is bent, and, therefore, images are seen much differently than would be seen through clear glass.
What I am suggesting is that early life abuse, neglect, and/or trauma can cause these tiny cracks, which cannot be repaired later in life. That is why some people with a childhood history of trauma/abuse/neglect perceive situations very differently from others who have not had that experience. Early traumatic life experiences can contribute to very confusing internal messages. Jerold Kriesman, MD and Hal Kraus wrote a book that accurately captures the confusing messages. It is called, “I Hate You — Don’t Leave Me.” There is a push/pull going on inside that underlies the extreme reactions. A history of trauma can leave folks in a consistent mode of defense. They’re trying to protect themselves from being hurt again, but they may perceive threats when they are not meant to be threats.
Here is why it is helpful to know this. The people who have extreme reactions need to be aware of what is going on so that they can check out how they feel and determine a calm plan of action — whether it is to walk away and self-soothe or address the situation rationally. If you understand a reaction, you can own it. One particularly effective method for doing this is Dialectical Behavior Therapy, and I recommend The Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Skills Workbook by Matthew McKay, Ph.D. It is a research based method to learn to manage (not cure) emotional over-reactions.
People who love folks with extreme reactions need to understand that boundaries are so important. Having clear rules of engagement and plans to handle situations when emotions run high will help when things feel out of control. You should not engage in arguments over the same things and avoid escalation. It is important to acknowledge that the person who is reactive is locked into a hyper-defensive stance of self-protection that goes back to childhood. It isn’t something that is easily managed, and you cannot fix it, not even with much love.
Life isn’t easy, and it absolutely isn’t fair. It is easier, though, if you are able to separate a bit from the emotions. I don’t know that anyone is “normal.” I feel like we are all carrying our own baggage. The point, I guess, is to decide your rules around shit, make a plan to manage shit, and not repeat the same shit over and over. However, no matter where you go, there will always be more shit — but hopefully other good stuff too. MOMF
