Let the Adult in the Room Have a Say
Negative self-talk is incredibly powerful. The judgment. The criticism. The relentlessness. It is hard to keep rationality present in the conversation.
Metaphors are a great way to break through the noise and static to counter internal negativity. Think of your self-talk as being a conversation in your head amongst the different parts of you. Why does the loudest, most negative, whiny, or fearful voice have to win? It doesn’t! I want you to start asking yourself: What does the adult in the room say?
In transactional analysis, there are three proposed parts of a person. The child is the narcissistic part of self — the part that is fearful, reactive, and emotional like a child. There is also the parent, which is the moralistic, judgmental part of self that reminds us of the rules of life. The parent can be especially hard on the child. Then, there is the adult part of self. The adult is the voice of reason — the part of self that is calm and reasonable amongst all of the commotion.
When people tell me that they are having a hard time overcoming negative self-talk, I ask what would you say to your child, your friend, your partner. Would you confirm all of their fears and add to them? Would you suggest they should be more self-critical? Would you join in the pile on with more negativity? No one has ever responded that they would! That is when I say, “The adult in you knows better. You need to allow the adult in your head to show up.”
The adult in your head is wise mind. It is the part of you that says, “Let’s take a minute. Enough! None of this is helpful.” The adult says, “Focus on what you can control. One minute at a time.” The adult tells the inner child, “It’s going to be okay” just like you would say to a friend, “We’ll get through this together.” The adult tells the parent to “STFU” or maybe more acceptably, “Calm down. Let me think.”
I especially love it when people tell me that they “can’t do” what I am asking. I follow this with the question: So, you are telling me that when your offspring, best friend, or work colleague comes to you with a worry, you launch into everything that is wrong, could go wrong, or should be done differently? If the answer is “no,” then there is no “can’t.” There is only “have not yet learned.”
The adult is in the room. Wake the adult up. Take off the gag. Empower the adult to do the work of wise mind. Let the adult have a say….. and then have a respectful listen. You have this power. It is what you do for others automatically. Elevate your performance and be true to your values: kindness does matter.
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