Keep Your Hands to Yourself

The headlines over the last few years have been quite empowering around bodily space. Who knew that you shouldn’t touch or be touched in the workplace without permission?! In case you haven’t heard, your body is your personal space. No one should be touching it without your invitation or consent. I say this fully recognizing that people have different levels of comfort around personal space and touch, and not everyone who is touchy feely is on a mission to cop a sexual thrill. That being said, you do not have to suffer with people touching you because they are hands-on when you are a hands-off kind of person.

I’ve been very open with my personal biases. This is one of mine. I don’t really like uninvited touch. I can do a handshake if people are even doing that anymore given Covid-19, but I am noticing the older I get, the more handshakes hurt. People squeeze a little too hard, like they are trying to show me how easily they can crush my hand. The undercurrent of power is difficult to ignore here.

One person’s preference to touch should never override another person’s preference to not touch, but there is no way of knowing touch preference unless you talk about it. Therefore, I recommend that you never lay hands on another person unless that person has made clear that touch is welcome. Unless you are giving CPR because someone isn’t breathing or applying the Heimlich maneuver when someone is choking, I can’t think of many circumstances where your touch is necessary as a rule. So, it should be easy to make it habit to keep your hands to yourself.

While you may think I am being nitpicky here, fact of the matter is that you don’t know another person’s trauma history, experience with touch, or sensitivities. Your intention is irrelevant here because it is generally a personal invasion of space. In fact, better yet to make it a habit to keep a couple of feet apart unless there is a valid reason otherwise.

If someone consistently places hands (or even worse, lips) on you in ways that you do not like, your obligation is to say something because you don’t know the other person’s actual intention. I get that this will be uncomfortable, and perhaps you feel like you should not have to say something. If it keeps happening, apparently you do have to say something. That something would be: Hey, I’m not really a touchy-feely kind of person. Or I am not comfortable with that. Or In my culture, we don’t do that. Or I don’t really like to be touched. Or I’ve got this crazy hand rash going on.

Some people prefer a more subtle approach like stepping aside or shifting so contact is averted. Regardless of the method you choose, know that you have the absolute right to decide who touches you, and you do not have the right to touch others without permission. This philosophy also extends to commenting on someone’s weight or general appearance. I really struggle with this as I like to give compliments or check in when someone looks tired. I don’t know that there is a one-size-fits all rule here. It probably depends how well you know a person, and the workplace is best treated more conservatively. When in doubt, close your mouth, and put your hands in your pockets.

Day 9: Check your touch behaviors; Communicate touch preferences to others.

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