Is it Really Helpful?

Sometimes we tell ourselves horror stories. We say: If I don’t do _____, bad things will happen. (Or some version of that.) I like to turn this idea on its head: If I do _____, what real good will I be doing?

When we do too much for others, we are not allowing them to learn to do for themselves. In other words, we are robbing others of growth opportunities. All growth comes from pain. We have to allow that pain to happen even if it is excruciating to observe.

No one wants to see a loved one in pain, but check yourself. This is not about sadism and enjoyment of others’ pain. It is more about allowing the pain to exist for the sake of growth. If the idea of allowing others to experience pain feels too overwhelming, the cure is to stop observing so closely.

When we jump in to fix others’ problems and pain, we are really fixing our own pain — of guilt and sadness. In other words, we are telling ourselves that we are intervening for the sake of the other person when, in fact, it is more to alleviate our own discomfort. The boundaries to be set are internal to us. They are managing the fear and guilt that compels us to overact. We need to invoke patience and calm to allow the pain and growth that others deserve on their journey to becoming whole.

Yes, fixing others’ problems is taking away the privilege of them developing their own skills, leaving them perpetually dependent. I’m guessing that’s not what you are shooting for. Time to recalibrate.

Day 5: Allow others to feel their pain so they can grow.