Eliminate the Bullshit this Valentines Day
Let’s face it. There are times in life when it feels easier in the short run to ignore reality and believe the preferable (less-anxiety-producing) storyline. While it is a temptation for all humans, I submit to you that making excuses for people we love or telling ourselves that our situation is different or choosing to deny facts only makes the pain worse. It is worse because we are aware, at some level, that there is a disconnect with reality, and when the concerns resurface later, we feel all-the-more upset for not seeing it earlier.
When you read the title of this blog, maybe you were attracted to the idea that I would tell you how to set boundaries on bullshit with others.
Surprise!
This is a blog about calling out your own bullshit.
When I was looking at imagery for this post, I came across a plethora of trite bullshit like: love conquers all; love always wins; love is forever. I think these frustratingly simple statements lead to people betraying themselves in the name of love. I mean, if it’s love, it’s worth it right? This is your heart talking — spewing the brainwashing about romance.
Your head is tapping you on the shoulder to say: What about self-love? What about loyalty to self when love hurts more than it should? What about self-protection?
Sadly, many people ignore the head and go back to the heart because it ties into all of the fairytales, romance novels, and rom-com indoctrination that is much more familiar and intriguing. We want to believe we can beat the odds. It’s why we play the lottery.
When we tell ourselves that love is something mystical and meant to be — at all costs, it contributes to a desire to make it work — at all costs. This suggests an inherent valor in sticking with a relationship even when it becomes abusive. The magical thinking gives us a twisted sense of expectation: that someone who is very damaged can change for us.
When these warped expectations combine with self-talk that says: we can’t, have no choice, or otherwise shouldn’t walk away, it is a self-defeating cocktail.
And, hey, I am not saying we should walk away every time things aren’t wonderful. Maybe we have unrealistic expectations of love being perfect that get in the way. Sometimes, love is messy, boring, ugly, and unexciting. It can be tricky to sort through, but at least, be honest with what you are sorting.
Eliminating the bullshit is catching yourself with unreasonable ideas and expectations about love and relationships. It is taking a moment to ask if you are in a loving relationship with yourself, which is the foundation for all that will come next. Eliminating the bullshit is being the best version of yourself with self-care, boundaries, and reality checks. It is listening to your intuition and having your own back when people don’t feel so loving.
Love is human. Love is complicated. Love is possible. Love is multi-dimensional. Love is love. But love does not mandate tolerating behavior that is hurtful, demeaning, abusive, untrue, and unkind. Love starts with being true to yourself first.
This Valentine’s Day, give yourself a kind word and a loving card. Share your smile by giving gratitude to another for contributing to your happiness. Now, go and surround yourself with people who do the same for you.
I write books if you want to get into the weeds on how. They are available wherever books are sold.
