Boundaries Help Families Get Along Better

Just because you’ve read about boundaries and generally agree with their importance, doesn’t make it any easier to practice them. There is no part of life more difficult to set boundaries than with family of origin. I am talking about the people who raised you. These are people who had an influence on you before you even knew what influence was. They are people you are attached to, people you love (or resent/love), or people you are confused about. These are the people who piss you off like no other. They contribute to your feeling gaslit, loved like no other, inadequate, and essential all in one conversation.

Family also knows you inside and out. They know your weaknesses, blind spots, and vulnerabilities. We have history with family. We have stable, predictable patterns of interaction, and these are incredibly hard to break. Guilt is never stronger than when setting boundaries with family, yet boundary setting is oh-so-necessary.

Family is no more likely than anyone else to know what you want and need unless you tell them in ways that they hear. This may mean telling them over and over and over. Other times you have to show them with action, like ending conversations or walking away or not responding at all. There are even times when family test you to be sure you mean it. It is common for family to feel they know what is best in spite of your clarity.

Boundaries are about establishing a new way of being with family to ensure that your wants and needs are represented — not more important than others’ needs but at least on equal footing. Then, you get to decide what to do next. If you are practicing the principles we have discussed of respect and communication, guilt is only residue to be washed away. As Brené Brown says, “To be clear is to be kind.”

You set boundaries with family to make being with family better — more enjoyable — yet the process will be fraught with emotional landmines. Family know your buttons and will push them to get you to back down. They know your weak points and will use them against you to get what they want. This is what humans do in life so it isn’t necessarily personal.

I say all of this so that you are prepared for what is to come when setting boundaries with family. Remind yourself that the goal is to improve your relationships, and this will require fortitude and courage. It is incredibly hard and often painful to unravel all of the emotional baggage that comes with family relationships and shared history. This does not automatically mean that your actions are wrong. It’s just that change is hard; change is threatening to others; change is change.

What’s the payoff? The long view is that it is better to have authentic, pleasant interactions with family rather than to play act and be resentful. Where will being dishonest get you anyway? (Hint: trouble and repeated fights about the same issues) Ready for a change? If it is going to happen, you will have to own the effort. They can’t read your mind after all.

(PS: In irreparably abusive family relationships, the boundary may be good-bye.)

Day 8: Stop expecting family to intuit what you need. Tell them.