14 Days of Boundaries

In celebration of the holidays and how we all feel stretched, burdened, guilty, and apprehensive, I am going to do a series of blogs on boundaries. Instead of the 12 days of Christmas, I am focusing on the 14 days of boundaries to get people in a healthy mindset for the season.

Strap in because some of the boundaries may not be what you are expecting. Stay tuned for head turners.

Today, let’s explore what boundaries are.

Boundaries are intentional limits based on self-awareness, self-confidence, and legitimacy and worth. Everyone deserves to set boundaries! Some of us are just inexperienced at boundaries because we were never taught to set them or doing so makes us feel mean, rude, or selfish. Others of us may be good in one domain (like work) but bad in another domain (like family) due to emotional conditioning.

Another problem is the word “boundaries” is misunderstood and misused. Some people wrongly suggest that setting boundaries is simply blocking out things you don’t want to hear or setting boundaries is self-centered. These assertions are more consistent with what another person says to the person they don’t want to set boundaries.

What are Boundaries?

Boundaries may be personal restrictions or lines aimed at protecting your physical and mental health. (They may also lines that others set to protect themselves from you, but we will cover that later.) Maybe I have a boundary that I won’t answer a knock on my door unless I’ve received a call that visitors are coming because I prefer not to receive surprise company. Surprise guests disrupt my plans and feel intrusive. This boundary does not require other people to do anything differently. The focus is on how I respond.

Here’s another, more basic example: Your skin is a boundary — the first line of defense against foreign invaders. Skin protects the rest of your body from anything that wants to get inside. It is a shield from bacteria, the sun, toxic chemicals. You may not have ever given thought to what your skin does for you each and every day. It’s a built in literal boundary.

Skin is a universal boundary you may have never considered. We need some boundaries even if we are not aware that we need them. I’m guessing that when you think of a boundary, you think of an intentional limit setting, and this is correct. But what happens if we don’t recognize a crucial time to set boundaries? What if we don’t know when and where we need to set them?

Going back to the skin example, sometimes we know what we need protection from — like the sun on a hot, cloudless day. Sometimes we don’t see the entities that seek to destroy us — like invisible bacteria on surfaces. Yet, our skin serves as a primary source of protection even if we aren’t always aware of what it is doing for us. Our skin is willing to roughen up, callous up to absorb friction, cuts, burns, and invaders.

Attention-seeking, misbehaving, shenanigans. People have the right to be themselves. I understand and support that. I just don’t believe that I (or you) am required to be around it. I call this: Take that shit over there.

This is a boundary. It isn’t about imposing one’s will on someone else. It is honest communication when your preferences conflict with someone else’s preferences, and if a compromise cannot be reached, removing oneself from the situation. Honest communication and your behavior are the only elements you can control. You set those boundaries, but you are best served if you have thought about them in advance of stressful situations.

Boundaries are the ultimate self-care tool. The way I see it: boundaries are all about you validly expressing your needs and preferences while allowing others to express theirs. Have zero shame, guilt, doubt in telling folks, “Take that shit over there,” so they can continue being themselves without you being affected.

Caveats

Remember, setting boundaries is about you not about the other people. Be wary of making boundary setting a commentary on others’ behavior versus simple ownership of your limits and preferences. Boundaries are not meant to control other people. If you find that you are talking about your boundaries yet are focused on labeling someone else, it may be that you are misguided. Boundaries are not about controlling or pathologizing others. Boundaries are enhanced awareness and commitments around your needs and limitations.

The second caveat is that working on boundaries is a lifetime commitment because as humans, we constantly grow and change (hopefully) and so does our social settings. In other words, setting boundaries is a journey that will continue to develop and change, and this is a healthy thing.

Day 1: Take a lesson from your skin. Everyone needs boundaries to survive.